"I've never met a good cold beer that I didn't like. And I reckon that if we all approached people the same way, the world would be a much nicer place. One of the biggest problems is that most people approach each other like food. We say "Oooh, he's as curry - I don't like that!" or "Gosh, she's a Big Mac and I just can't stand her!" But what would do you think would happen if we said "Hey! He's a real smooth pilsner" or "Crikey! She's a tasty lager"? You know the answer. We'd just want to open our throats and swill 'em right on down! Which is why I reckon the world would be a much better place if we treated other people like a good, cold beer. Set up another round, barman...."
 

"Some people really have the wrong idea about beer drinking and think it's unhealthy. But the fact is that most serious beer drinkers are finely tuned athletes, much like myself. Drinking beer exercises lots of discrete muscle groups in the body. For example, dedicated beer drinkers soon develop tough fingers, foreheads and eye sockets from popping ring-pulls or twisting off screw-tops. They also have elbows as tough as iron, powerful forearms and a vice-like grip. Their hand-eye-mouth coordination is usually amazing too. And the benefits don't just stop there! The ferret-exercising qualities of beer are legendary. In fact - to put it bluntly - beer has been helping more ugly people procreate than just about anything ever invented. And I speak from experience here! No wonder they had to push Life, Be In It! so hard. I reckon if they'd gone for Beer, Be In It! they'd have had a lot more success. Yes, another round please barman..."
 

"I reckon the energy crisis is just bunkum, you know. We're overlooking a renewable energy source that's right under our noses. The bladder of your average beer drinker is pretty phenomenal compared to non beer drinkers. In fact , after awhile a beer drinker's bladder can get so large that it can hold almost as much as a medium-sized dam. That's why beer drinkers can write their name in the snow cursive style with special fonts, whereas your average chardonnay drinker thinks he's had a top day if he manages to carve out his initials. I think this is a huge energy resource going to waste! If they put turbines in urinals all over this country, I reckon the sheer force of beer drinkers emptying their bladders around Australia every night could light up Sydney. Speaking of which, do you know where the guys room is here? I feel like making the lights flicker a bit. And yeah, another round barman...."
 

"In addition to all its other excellent qualities - like promoting a better view of other people, providing a source of exercise, helping perpetuate the species and potentially powering the cities of the future - beer is also an excellent all-round food source. I think this is often overlooked. For example, if you're out of milk when you wake up in the morning, beer works on cornflakes just as well. And hey! What's so great about drinking water when you can drink beer instead? They both quench your thirst but water has a nutritional value of zero while beer provides extra nutrients you'll never get from a tap. I guess that's probably why a lot of foreign countries advise that you shouldn't drink their water. They've already realised beer is better! And another thing: there's no waste with beer like there is with so many foods. You often see a half-eaten meal or half-eaten pizza, but how often do you see a half-drunk beer? And even if you do - or if your beer goes flat - there's still no waste! You just make beer ice cubes or iceblocks out of it! Yep, I reckon beer is probably one of the most perfect food sources ever invented. Another barman, round!"
 

"Personally, I think light beer is the devil's work. Just cast your mind back. Life was pretty good until they invented the stuff, wasn't it? We didn't have much crime, much violence, much trouble of any sort. Everything was pretty quiet and peaceful. Why? I'll tell you why! It was because most people were just too pissed to get up to mischief. But now!?! Look at what a mess things are in! Take the Middle East. They don't have any beer at all and they're blowing each other up left, right and centre. What's the answer? Easy! Give them heavy beer. I reckon within a week they'd all be sitting around a campfire with their arms on each other's shoulders saying "Shalom, you old bastard" and "Osama maaaate". I really don't know why we give them foreign aid. They just buy guns with it. We should ship beer to them instead. Geez, don't know about you but I'm feeling a bit woozy..."